If you know me, I wonder if you realize how emotional I am. I mean, I've learned to hide it. After seeing death at the clinic, I learned, if I wanted to be a vet, I had to hide my emotions. That was better for the customers. So, when I lost my grandmother, I hid my emotions. They were strong, and it was hard, but I had to stay strong. I had to keep the brave face of the family.
I also make these unseen emotional connections a lot. While other people have friends, I make bonds. These bonds can change, often based on how I view the person after the first bond. And once these bonds are made, only I can see them.
Losing a bond. That hurts. Whether it's an argument, half the globe, or death that separates us, the pain is still powerful. Some people think I'm clingy. Well, maybe I am, but its because I'm scared. Scared of them drifting away from me. Loneliness is the strongest force against the bonds. I'm afraid to lose the few loyalties I have. There are only a few people who I can open up with this stuff about who don't have biases and I know I can trust them not to breathe a word to another soul. They know who they are, and the bonds I have with them are so predominant, that I'm surprised they can't see them.
And if I had to choose the greatest regret in my life, it would be this:
"A sad goodbye I never got to say,
A sad goodbye that haunts me to this day."
Anonymous
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Those bonds you speak of are the bonds of friendship. We all have them, some are stronger and others longer. Whatever the case, it always hurts to lose them. I understand your fear, I also fear losing the bonds that I have with the people/animals that I hold dear. However, you can't let the fear control your life or your actions. If you do, you lead yourself right back to the very thing you wanted to avoid. Only you can decided if you are going to protect your heart so much that you end up being lonely out of fear. Trust is important and I am glad you have some people that you can talk to. It is good for you to talk and let other know how you feel. It will help them see the bonds that you want them to see. Trust me they will see those bonds if you let them. BTW: I am very proud of you, you did a GREAT job at District.
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